I still do

Hey. I still remember you. And I haven't forgotten what day is today. I used to love 4. Now I hate them. I used to have good marks at school. Now all teachers ask me what's wrong. I say nothing.  Like nothing was a synonim for your name.

So hey. How are you. You still remember me? Because I do. Every fucking minute of the day. And I hate it.

I avoid being with nothing to do because somehow suddenly you appear on my mind and you wont go away for hours. But, however, even when Im doing stuff suddenly I stop and think of you. Ugh. Why won´t you leave me. I wish I knew how to quit you. But I dont. And its driving me fucking crazy. 

Goodbye

Im writing this to you because I know you may read it and because I need to say how I feel. Lately I've been confused. Confused af. Afraid. Afraid because I was again in front of such a big and dangerous world alone. And when I say alone , I mean not with you. I didn't have you there to tell me everything was going to be alright.

And I know I'm strong because I kept living when I wanted to die. I kept fighting but I don't even know why anymore. You used to be my reason.

And now I know. I have to say goodbye to you. I know we already did it but not in my mind. In my head you are still here, stuck. So yes. Goodbye. I need to accept you are my past. I will make my own way. without you. And it probably will hurt for a long time. But I promess I'll be doing better everyday. With every step, with every breath, you will be far away.

Thanks for everything you gave me. Thank you even for the pain, now I'm  stronger. I can't say I won't fall in love again. But I can say I won't love anyone as I loved you. And no one will love you as I did.

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend.

Idc

They say time fixes everything. I would like to believe that. But I'm so freaking scared thinking I may never forget you. Never stop feeling this pain. Never stop missing you. I get so cared thinking you may move on but I'll stay here stuck...

I'm scared . And you used to be the one I told all this things to feel better. You always calmed me down. The problem is this is now about you. And how can I deal with that? I never thought you would be in my "why life sucks reasons" just in my "why to stay alive reasons".

Al perderte yo a ti

Al perderte yo a ti, tú y yo hemos perdido: 
yo, porque tú eras lo que yo más amaba 
y tú porque yo era el que te amaba más. 
Pero de nosotros dos tú pierdes más que yo: 
porque yo podré amar a otras como te amaba a ti, 
pero a ti no te amarán como te amaba yo.

Autor del poema: Ernesto Cardenal

Ya no sé

Ya no sé si te amo o si te odio. No sé si duermo y sueño o dormito y pienso. No sé si es de día o de noche. No sé que hora es ni que tiempo hace. No sé si lloro por ti o río por ti. Ni si quiera sé la letra de estas canciones. Sólo sé la de nuestra canción. No sé si bebo para olvidarte o olvido para beber. No sé qué digo ni que no digo.

No sé que pasó ni que no pasó.  No sé si te fuiste o te eché. No sé si te recuerdo o te olvido. No sé si grito o si callo. No sé si me miras o si le miras. No sé a dónde vamos ni de dónde venimos. No sé si me eriza la piel el frío o si lo haces tú.

No sé, no sé. No sé ni quiero saber nada. Me basta con tenerte aquí y ahora, los dos tan ignorantes, tan enamorados.

Voces

Te estás muriendo por dentro, pero debes estar como si nada por fuera. Esa maldita voz no se va de tu cabeza.

"Sonríe, pequeño monstruo, no deben darse cuenta. No dejes que te vean. Haz como si no estuvieras. Pero escúchame. Nunca dejes de escucharme. Te estoy diciendo la verdad. Soy la verdad. Eres fea, gorda, baja, nadie te quiere aunque finjan que sí. Mírate, eres patética. Ni si quiera puedes caminar normal. Encierrate, no dejes que nadie vea lo fea que eres. Recuerda que no quieres asustar a nadie. Deja de inentar creer que eres guapa, nunca lo has sido, nunca lo serás. No pienses que tu interior es mucho mejor. En el fondo eres una abominación, un monstruo, la maldad en su más puro estado. Así que escúchame a mi. Soy lo único que te conoce cien por cien y sigue aquí. Por último y lo más importante: No llames la atención. Si lo haces no podrás desaparecer nunca. "

Real love

Once someone asked me if I was sure about my feelings. If I knew what real love was like. This person told me you know you love someone when you want to wake up next to him/her everyday. When you want to expend the rest of your life with this person. She told me that no matter how he/she looked, if you really loved him/her you would always see them as the most beautiful person ever. No matter if she was just woken up, if he was sneezing and with a flue, you would always see their beauty.

But she didn't told me how it hurted, when you want to expend all the nights with him or wake up next to him in the mornings and you couldn't. She should have told me how much it hurted. She should have told me love meant pain too. But I guess she already knew that...

I would like to

I would like to sleep in your t-shirts, so when the nights are cold or too long I can sleep with your smell.

I would like to hold your hand, so when things get too difficult I don't lose control.

I would like to be in your arms, so when pain is too big and unbearable I can hide and forget the world for a while.

I would like to hug you, so when I feel alone your body told me the opposite.

I would like to be with you, but reality is telling me the truth I don't want to hear. 

Damn, I would love to touch you, I can't even start to imagine how it would feel like. It may be like a piece of paradise. 

This words may not have cohesion but, who cares about cohesion when you're not here?