Hey

Hey, ¿how you doing? It's weird to talk to you again. Kinda awkward too. We used to talk for hours. About everything. And look at us now. ¿what happened? ¿why does everything that I love have to die?

I can see you have been busy. Making some cool plans with your friends and with your girlfriend. I'm  glad you are OK. Because for some nights I couldn't sleep thinking about it. About how would you be doing. Then I understood. It wasn't my business. It never was. I thought I was much more for you than what I actually was. But it's OK. I know how to handle it. I always get through  the same stuff.

Yea. You were right. I expect too much of people. Too much of you, especially.

So hey, let's keep a normal conversation for a few minutes. Tell me what you've been doing. How you've been feeling and all that stuff. Let's pretend we are normal for a while. Let's pretend I'm not dying inside.

Oh and hey. I miss you.

If you forget me

I want you to know 
one thing. 

You know how this is: 
if I look 
at the crystal moon, at the red branch 
of the slow autumn at my window, 
if I touch 
near the fire 
the impalpable ash 
or the wrinkled body of the log, 
everything carries me to you, 
as if everything that exists, 
aromas, light, metals, 
were little boats 
that sail 
toward those isles of yours that wait for me. 

Well, now, 
if little by little you stop loving me 
I shall stop loving you little by little. 

If suddenly 
you forget me 
do not look for me, 
for I shall already have forgotten you. 

If you think it long and mad, 
the wind of banners 
that passes through my life, 
and you decide 
to leave me at the shore 
of the heart where I have roots, 
remember 
that on that day, 
at that hour, 
I shall lift my arms 
and my roots will set off 
to seek another land. 

But 
if each day, 
each hour, 
you feel that you are destined for me 
with implacable sweetness, 
if each day a flower 
climbs up to your lips to seek me, 
ah my love, ah my own, 
in me all that fire is repeated, 
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, 
my love feeds on your love, beloved, 
and as long as you live it will be in your arms 
without leaving mine.

by Pablo Neruda

Letting you go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Y qué pasa conmigo

Y qué pasa conmigo. Qué pasa con lo que yo siento, con lo que ambos sentimos. Qué pasa con nosotros. Qué pasa con todo lo que teníamos olaneado. Dime, qué pasa . ¿con todo el tiempo que te he dddicado ? ¿Con todas las lágrimas y con todos los disgustos? ¿Con todos los sentimientos y momentos compartidos?

No me digas que se van, así, sin más porque no me sirve. No, dime qué pasa

Voces

Te estás muriendo por dentro, pero debes estar como si nada por fuera. Esa maldita voz no se va de tu cabeza.

"Sonríe, pequeño monstruo, no deben darse cuenta. No dejes que te vean. Haz como si no estuvieras. Pero escúchame. Nunca dejes de escucharme. Te estoy diciendo la verdad. Soy la verdad. Eres fea, gorda, baja, nadie te quiere aunque finjan que sí. Mírate, eres patética. Ni si quiera puedes caminar normal. Encierrate, no dejes que nadie vea lo fea que eres. Recuerda que no quieres asustar a nadie. Deja de inentar creer que eres guapa, nunca lo has sido, nunca lo serás. No pienses que tu interior es mucho mejor. En el fondo eres una abominación, un monstruo, la maldad en su más puro estado. Así que escúchame a mi. Soy lo único que te conoce cien por cien y sigue aquí. Por último y lo más importante: No llames la atención. Si lo haces no podrás desaparecer nunca. "

No te marches

Apagas la luz, me observas en la oscuridad, y puedo notar tu silueta tranquila, segura, tratando de alcanzarme con la mirada. Aquí estamos, tendidos a los pocos rayos de luz que entran por la persiana, peleándose por brillar el que más. Me recuerdan a nosotros en el pasado, tan rápidos y tan fuertes para brillar. Lo queríamos todo, iluminábamos con nuestro paso todo lo que había alrededor. ¡Y, míranos ahora, escondiéndonos en la oscuridad!

Dime, ¿Qué ha pasado? ¿Qué ha cambiado? Quédate aquí, no me dejes ir, me arrojaste a la oscuridad y ya no conozco nada seguro a parte de tus brazos. Ya no veo nada, todo es tan diferente... Tu me trajiste aquí, ayúdame. No me abandones, te necesito.

¿Por qué me besas tan lento? ¿Piensas en marcharte? ¿Es por ello que quieres saborear cada milímetro de mis labios? Dime la verdad, ¿quieres huir? ¿sin mi? Y ahora ¿Qué haces? ¿por qué paras? Ámame ahora que puedes, seré tuya  y tu mío para siempre.

Sólo tienes que decirlo. Sólo tienes que quedarte.

You are changing me. And it makes me tremble just to think how much. I used to love something really insane before you appeared in my life. And now, I don´t even like it a little bit. You aren´t even mine but.. you know, that amazing sensation you cause on me it´s inevitable and makes want to stay near you, only with you and nobody else.

I'm not trying to write a beautiful poem or anything like that. Just trying to organize my feelings. I was so sure that I would never feel again something like this for anybody and suddenly you came and my world just fell apart. Every fucking plan I had about my future just disappeared and turn out to be only you.

I tought I had everything organized and planned and boom, here you are, like a bomb to my body. What am I supposed to do now? Shouldn't you give me an answer? At the end, it's you the one that made a chaos my life.

I tought I already had enough heartbroken and all that stuff, you know? But, shit, this is comming like a really big wrecking ball to me, I don`t know how to stop it or how to deal with it and I'm afraid. Yep. Afraid of love. Because love always sucked in my life and this one will be even worse.

I would like to

I would like to sleep in your t-shirts, so when the nights are cold or too long I can sleep with your smell.

I would like to hold your hand, so when things get too difficult I don't lose control.

I would like to be in your arms, so when pain is too big and unbearable I can hide and forget the world for a while.

I would like to hug you, so when I feel alone your body told me the opposite.

I would like to be with you, but reality is telling me the truth I don't want to hear. 

Damn, I would love to touch you, I can't even start to imagine how it would feel like. It may be like a piece of paradise. 

This words may not have cohesion but, who cares about cohesion when you're not here?

I'm not ready

Sometimes I complain, because I want to have someone by my side.

But when the moment arrives, I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be hurt again. I'm not ready to love. I'm not ready to fall in love again.

Last time I loved, even knowing I would fall. Even knowing I would hurt. But.. I couldn't choose. Now I can. I am able to say no. To stay away from love. 

But can I be that empty frozen heart just because I don't want to be hurt? Really?